As The Blade of the Guillotine Falls

I end the life of this blog.

Year-End Post for 2007

This was originally written on December 23, 2007

It’s the end of the year again and I decided to write my year-end post in advance so that I don’t miss it like I did last year.

For those with very short attention spans, let me summarize my 2007 for you. Here it goes:

Two thousand and seven was probably one of the most confusing years of my life. It was a year of conflicting values. Maybe it comes with age and the responsibilities that go with it.

The past year was like being in high school all over again. It was the time of discovering a lot about myself and the world at large. The only sad thing is that, I had to realize and accept that my high school days are already seven years past.

It was the year when the world forced me to become more responsible. I am slowly coming into terms that I cannot depend on everyone everytime for everything that happens in my life. There will be a point where I must stand on my own.

Standing on my own is a terrifying thing. It is one aspect of existentialism that I can relate to. Once you realize that you are solely responsible for your actions, they begin to have more weight and you start thinking several times before doing anything stupid.

Being stupid. It doesn’t go away with age, as much as wisdom doesn’t come with the candles added to one’s birthday cake.

I admit being stupid a million of times this year. But the good thing is that stupidity, like other things, has the tendency to level out. Right now, I wouldn’t say that I am lot wiser; I’m still stupid but a little less than I was when this year began.

However, unlike the dark, angsty years of high school (alright, I’m exaggerating things), there were some bright spots to my somewhat spotty year.

For one, I realized that I can work better outside the office setting. I work better when there’s no one to dictate what I’ll do and how long I should do them. Right now, I tell myself what I should do and I should say that I am quite hard on myself. However, I think I could improve more on committing to things and sticking to schedules. I’m getting there.

Then, I also realized that things are much different when you’re outside looking in and the other way around. It is too easy to criticize people for their faults when you don’t talk and you don’t see each other. It is fantastic how I easily shed off my asinine self when I am in the same room with the person I used to hate, abhor or (insert other synonyms of hate here).

But I won’t let the year end without thanking the people who made a mark on my life this year. I won’t name each of those people lest I miss out on important ones, but I’m pretty sure that I already thanked you personally. That’s something I’ll never forget to do.

So that concludes my 2007. I’m still a little confused but ever optimistic on the search for meaning.

Migration Path and Patterns

Craving for independence, you look for the next big thing that will happen in your life. If it doesn't, you will make it happen.

Where to now?

Tales from My Crypt

I can't believe that it's almost Christmas already. Blame my situation and the lack of sense of time that it brings to me. My current work requires me to compute timezones, what time gets delivered to where, tons of BS-ing and trying to figure out how to say the same thing in another way.

Anyway, I already tried buying gifts to people close to me. I'm not a huge fan of shopping, but I surprisingly had a great time last night although I was dead tired after all the elbowing, pushing and shoving with the people at the mall. I prefer dropping by a store, looking for something that I like, finding the size that fits me, buying the item and walking out as if nothing happened.

Right now, I still feel sleepy since I decided to spend the wee hours of the morning rewriting and organizing my thoughts about several topics that were assigned to me. I had to make those articles good to make up for the time I lost because of my crappy internet connection. I was supposed to submit everything by Friday, but then I couldn't browse any sites so I had to sulk and wish I could write things out of thin air.

But one thing I realized about this mad rush to make a good article is that outlines can make articles write themselves. Well at least that works for me. Of course my professors taught me to write an outline before typing anything, but deadlines don't give enough time for writing outlines. Well now, I think I have to make it a normal part of my writing routine.

The thing with working at home is that the walls tend to suffocate you from time to time. Well, it often happens to me if I stay at one place long enough. So I really need a lappy. A laptop, not a lap dancer, you dimwit. Gotta work harder and save more. For now, I could just lug our PC around Metro Manila and try to work in cafes.

What else can I say? Hmmm... I'm going to Cebu on February. It would be great to go back there after eight long years. Got to sharpen my Bisaya skills again or forever pretend I'm a clueless tourist who doesn't speak a Visayan word. Aside from the vacation, it would also be great to see old friends who are now based there. So for those who haven't seen me shiny head, brace yourselves for the Sith Lord is about to conquer your island!

Aside from the Cebu trip and an Ilocos trip scheduled some time in May, I think I'm going to cut back on traveling for this year. It's a bitch to realize that traveling costs a lot of money especially when you start to wonder where the hell your money went. Take for example this year, I made four trips and it cost me somewhere between 10-15 grand. I could have gotten myself a decent guitar with that kind of money. Oh yeah, I spent another 10 thousand for a guitar I bought earlier this year. So no guitars for me until late 2008 or early 2009.

So little time, so much to do. It's almost Christmas and then New Year and then I'll be 25. It's amazing to realize from time to time that you can only move forward with age. Whatever it is that you do now will never happen the exact way the next time you do it. I can never be a kid again. All I have to do is move forward, take in newer and more challenging responsibilities. The generation before us will pass and we will take their place. And then we will move closer and closer to the grave. I feel scared whenever I realize that. The end of life. Zap. You're gone.

What happens next? I don't know. But I hope that it's something like Nokia's slogan which says that, 'the next episode is about to happen.'

You and I Are Suns

Because no matter how much we deny it, there's always a part of us that believes we're the center of the universe.

You fucking kicked me and now, my legs hurt.

Somehow, we think that we're the only ones who feel pain. We never cause pain to others.

We are suns and generations of ignorami will bow down before us, thinking that they owe their lives to us. We do not owe our existence to anyone because we were here first and everything and everyone will pass before we do.

You fucking turd. Do what I tell you.

That's until Galileos invent telescopes to scrutinize us with and find out that we are mere balls of hot air, nothing more, nothing less.

We are suns and when we die, we hope that the entire universe dies with us too. Those who won't will be sucked in to the black hole that we will eventually be. They too, must perish. They too, must cease to exist.

You fucking mortal. You too, must die.